Humor humor stories

Read 71 humor erotic stories about 'humor' on Adultread

Shopping trips with Sherry

humor David929 2018-01-13

Sherry tells her that I need to remain there a bare minimum of fifteen minutes, prompting a laugh. Sandy laughs and comments that all naughty boys need kept in tow, also noticing that a few have added their name to the larger paddle. Sherry has replaced my pink thong with one in a floral print and asks me to model it before putting on my jeans, causing more laughs. "Also, if our Davey needs corner time during a show," Sherry adds, "please see to it. I then put my thong in the hamper and am walked to the corner totally naked by Sherry, causing much laughter and whistles. Sherry has a ready supply of lightweight paddles for each new Mommy, while some had me also sign ones they brought along and used on me.

Rooftop Dreams

humor MadMartigan 2018-01-12

“Happy to meet me, huh?” the stranger sighs into my ear, hand brushing against my thigh, “or you packing heat for the double tap just in case you don’t survive the Peter Pan dive?” “I’d be willing to go the extra mile if there are any… promiscuous scenes,” she whispers in my ear, hip pressing into the dick I’m trying like hell to keep from bulging out of my thin hospital gown. “I’ll bet that’s never stopped you from being naughty before though.” She pulls the back of my hand against her mouth so I can feel her soft lips curve into a wide smile. Likewise, her mouth is sealed over the crown of my deflating erection, sucking down every last drop of my seed like it’s the last source of liquid on the planet.

Traffic Tease

humor MsDirtyLittleSecret 2018-01-12

I was sitting in the passenger seat with my legs and arms crossed, pretending to ignore him as I looked out the window, watching the traffic slowly move by. “Yes, I do but more importantly right now, I want you naked so stop trying to change the subject and take off the dress, beautiful," he teased as he winked at me. I saw him quickly look out the windshield to check traffic before turning towards me, leaning in to pull the material down and take hold of my right breast in his big hand. My lips parted and covered the head of his stiff member and once I enveloped the tip, I immediately felt his fist grip onto my hair and heard him let out a low moan.

The Lady of the House

humor gypsygyrl 2018-01-12

He leaned forward and repeated the statement, even cockier this time, “I said, nothing makes you look good.” “Damn it, Ray. You could have said, ‘You look best with nothing on’ or maybe, ‘You’d look better if you took it off.’ But you actually used ‘Nothing makes you look good’.”  I closed my eyes, surrendering to the feeling as Ray gently lay on top and began kissing me, softly at first and then with more urgency as his tongue explored my mouth. “How could you possibly think a can of cold whipped cream squirted inside me would be a good idea?”  Ray sat on the edge of the bed wiping whipped cream off his face and holding the champagne bottle.

Lean Acres And Harpoons

humor Adagio 2018-01-11

Like most schools, there was a rumor going around, that Cilla Derk had fucked our high school basketball team a couple months past. He moved in front of me and stood on the commode sink. His dick was now level with my face and it wasn't a far reach for my lips to kiss his little joust of a cock. "Lets all gather in a circle and unite this couple in matrimony," Saying with a straight face, the guru performed a civil ceremony on Cilla and I. Fucking her ass with my snout she shouted, "hallelujah." Then Barkley (Adonis) moved close to me and started sucking my cock. It may sound a difficult feat, but she was ass fucking Cilla with a nipple.

There Is Nothing To Be seen

humor Adagio 2018-01-11

Next to laying my penis on top of the liverwurst, topped by the bread and jacking off with it, there ain't nothing better then with wax paper. It had been several weeks ago, while visiting a local nursery, I happen to run into Dionaea (Dione) Muscipula, my now new girl friend. Although looking for blue fescue seeds for the home terrace I was immediately smitten by her. Hurley (my best friend) was a medical school drop out in 1947 and now was Assistant Manager of Last Resort Car wash and was always featured as geriatric chamois and passenger side of the month employee. I thought it time for Hurley to look at her, seeing as he did have some medical schooling.

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Looking for Sex in outdoor places: a cautionary tale

humor RumpleForeskin 2018-01-10

She possessed the type of body the late Aldous Huxley would no doubt have described as, “pneumatic.” While her long legs, shapely bottom and generous bosom diverted the attention of most men, those who managed to lift their gaze would behold an exquisite, Madonna-like face that featured dark brown eyes, full lips, and a smile that was both beatific and seductive. She didn’t agree to spend the weekend with a guy like Ralph, then hike all the way up here, just to screw in some dirty, stuffy cabin when they could be making love beside such a beautiful wonder of nature. Days later, as the Earth Day celebration on the park-like campus at Wodehouse College was breaking up, Angie noticed Ernie talking with Etta and her main squeeze, Willie Sinclair.

Bernie's House Of Bangers

humor Milik_the_Red 2018-01-09

For those of you who live under a rock, or maybe overseas, a place has to be pretty run down to make a Denny's look like a classy joint, but Bernie's pulled that trick off well enough. I thought I'd got the best of my buxom buddy, Betty but her grin widened like the Cheshire Cat before she struck back. Betty moaned and slobbered, pulling at my flesh like she was sucking the meat from a chicken bone. (Yeah, I know this scene is just aching for a pun, but I was in the middle of fucking Betty, so I really didn't give a shit about finding it right then, okay?) 

Sex Fantasy TV, A Play (Sixth Stab)

humor DirtyMartini 2018-01-09

Peter: Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the Sex Fantasy TV Edition of The Newlywed Game. I am your host, Peter Long broadcasting from Studio One in Sex Fantasy Land. (The camera pans to the stage where Debbie is standing next to a table full of assorted sex toys and pointing.) Peter: I'm sorry Richard that is not what your wife said. Peter: I'm sorry Sam, that is not how your wife answered. Peter: I'm sorry Gordon, that is not what Irene said. Robin, we asked Richard if he thinks about you during lovemaking. Peter: I'm sorry Robin, that is not what Richard said. (Camera pans back to Peter, the host as the couples start to fight.)

Chill Pill

humor ClarkRoberts 2018-01-09

I said, “You can’t go out there like that, maybe if I suck your cock it will go down.” Looking up at Myron, I said, “Myron, you’re fucking huge.” I kissed the tip of his monster then smiled up at him and said huskily, "You have very beautiful cock, Myron." Looking at Myron’s still swollen cock, I said, “Looks like that blowjob wasn’t fantastic enough.” Using the flood of my excitement, Myron worked the rest of his enormously long and extremely hard cock inside me, finally bottoming out against my cervix. Slowly, Myron withdrew his cock until just the head remained inside my pussy. Later, as my team celebrated our success with Champaign, Roland asked, “So Boss, what was the deal with Myron?”

Dating in North Dallas

humor MrDeep 2018-01-09

I told the dating service that I wanted women who knew how to dance ball room. “I got it at a liquor store on the way.” She said it like, “Doesn’t everyone buy whiskey and drink it on the way home?” I enjoy listening you chat with your fiends while I pay for this date.” That’s what I should have said. We are going to your place and listen to music.” That is how I ended up entertaining four North Dallas girls all afternoon in my condo. I suddenly had a feeling I wanted to buy her the obligatory cup of French coffee, chat with her, and go back to the nightmare of dating in North Dallas.

The Secret Life of Bellingham Sam

humor magnificent1rascal 2018-01-08

She was still wearing the gorgeous camisole when he began massaging her shoulders, but soon sat forward a few inches and lifted her arms in a silent signal that it was time for the garment to come off, and Sam happily removed both it and his tee shirt. He could tell she was getting close to orgasm, and was grateful because he also knew he couldn’t last much longer; the taunting her fingers were performing on him, coupled with the fantasy that had enabled him to while away the time during the slow drive home, had him primed to shoot his load like a horny 16-year-old, but he dutifully held out for her signal.

I Vont Yu Hoppin' John

humor Adagio 2018-01-07

As a hundred yards off the beach, raising a small sail, a portmanteau caught the wind. My penis lay shriveled across a thigh of her rubber chicken as her crotch dumplings began to rise. In the middle of the room a dark brume hung over a portmanteau that sat on small caster wheels. As the tremors slowly massage the flooring, the portmanteau started to scooch toward the door that came open with the tremblings. The harlots were scampering in undress and holding their noses as they past Ezekiel's now ajar door. At that moment the door was smashed open by a flying apparatus, resembling a portmanteau, with an old geezer astride. "Fuck her like a dog, Ezekiel."

Tut

humor Taggerdoo 2018-01-06

Most people in these parts work for Ammon Abrams, or someone he contracts with, or who provides services to him or one of his businesses. Andrews asked, "What was Mr. Abrams like as a boy in school? "There was a mid-summer party at the Metzler estate, and the guess list most emphatically did not include yours truly or Ammon Abrams. I paused, took a deep breath and asked "Did I mention to you that Ammon Abrams happens to be hung like a Shetland pony?" He saw Ammon slip inside the house and in a little bit he heard Em squalling like two cats fighting and she was both of them. "Ammon told me later that Em wasn't a virgin, big surprise, but she'd never had a cock like his.

Cockshock, Chapter 1

humor Emerson501 2018-01-06

Reginald Woodrow Buttress felt the deep throb before he opened his eyes. Wrapping his long fingers around his pulsing, rock hard member, Reginald began his typical stroke, slow and light with a little twist at the top. Tom started to ask what he would like to eat and the strange man pushed him hard against the wall, reducing him to a pile of limbs and apron on the floor. When he eventually opened his eyes, he found an old man standing over him, a disgusted gaze on the stiffy that tented Reginald’s pants. Come here, son.” The man extended a yellow hand to help him up but Reginald jerked away from it, like it was a snake. The woman urged Reginald forward, continuing through the waiting room to another hallway, and finally to an exam room.

Over The Pill

humor Adagio 2018-01-05

I told the desk clerk, a mild-mannered goober, "I think I have influenza." "I want you to plummet me in my orifice like you did the night of our bunnyswoon. The last straw was when she asked me to sling her some phlegm, and I told her I was going to call the front desk, inquiring a mademoiselle. "I can't satisfy four whores, and the room air conditioner is working great." "Zelda is down at the lounge, straying her ass now." The clerk then told Hurley that he had just recently shellacked it with enamel and tinted the glass. When Zelda returned from straying her ass, she was ready for another round of whoopee making.

Peek-a-Boo, I-See-You

humor Green_Man 2018-01-04

As I walked towards the coffee shop, I felt the breeze blowing up my short, flimsy skirt, feeling pert, all alert. Then I slowly started spreading my legs to give him and him alone a good shot of my sweet cunny with its triangle of blond hair, so fair and rare. I looked over and was startled to see he had wrapped a hand around his cock, protruding from his shorts, and was jerking off as I diddled my cunny. I was fucking my fingers into my pussy and he was jacking his hard cock. There I poured my coffee into his cup and slowly savored the life sustaining taste of man cum.

The Tongue Stimulator

humor benawriter 2018-01-01

He had always been able to satisfy his European girlfriend, Yora, when she wanted oral sex from him, but recently she attended a face sitting class with a friend and now seemed obsessed with it. “Your girlfriend likes oral sex from you but your tongue cannot last as long as she needs for complete satisfaction, am I right?” “You mean a pill can make my tongue hard for a long time?” he asked. Riley recalled the receptionist who signed him in, sitting behind the desk and flashing her legs by crossing them several times as he filled out the forms. She entertained herself on his face for almost thirty minutes and Riley was pleased that it was not uncomfortable to service her because she did all the work, attaining orgasm simply by using his stiff tongue.

Putting On My High Top Galoshes

humor Adagio 2017-12-31

I had my right leg crossed over my left knee as I was sort of swinging it...hoping Elma would like my new over the shoe, high top black galoshes. was my inability to sleep unless I had a pickle loaf sandwich before calling it a night, hoping the bedbugs don't bite. Being as I had to go out in the back yard to get the pickle loaf, I didn't want to be to conspicuous seeing as I had on high top galoshes. I set straight up in bed, knowing the tainted pickle loaf had caused nightmares. Welcome Al, as a giant pickle loaf wearing galoshes offered me a sandwich.

Gumshue

humor Adagio 2017-12-31

Prior to the police getting there, my mom had stuck her head out the door saying, "Sleet falling in buckets." I was cited for disturbance of the peace because some damn fool made an idiot of himself calling the radio station. Seeing as how the only street is a circle and one-way, I passed my new office up four times before I found it because it was against the law to backup. Later that afternoon, when I return to the office from lunch, Ginger told me to leave the front door open. The following day, less a chase vehicle, I ask Morp if there were any Escorts in town.

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Leave It To My Beaver - A 1950's Era Housewife's Fantasy

humor Master_Jonathan 2017-12-30

"Good afternoon Mrs. Chandler, you are looking especially lovely today," he said in his usual too polite way. I turned around in front of him, "Ethan, be a dear and help me out of this bra, please?" I said, moving my hair out of the way. I opened my lips and slid down him slowly, taking inch after delicious inch of Ethan's hard cock into my mouth. He liked to shoot his cum onto me - he thought it was especially erotic - and I have to admit seeing his white spunk on my tits or covering my belly did look hot.

Beginner's Meeting, A Play (Third stab at humor)

humor DirtyMartini 2017-12-29

Charles: Welcome to the Parlin, New Jersey Beginner’s meeting of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. Charles: (passes around basket) Also, I would like to say that there is coffee and donuts on the table for your enjoyment. Charles: OK, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous is a 12-step group designed to help people with sex addictions. Like, she, um, she says I spend too much time on the computer since I joined this sex fantasy site. Alan: She says me being on this sex fantasy site can only lead to no good. Bob: No, Sheepy-Poo does not like that word. The Parlin, New Jersey Beginner's Group of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous will now come to a close.

It Don't Rain In Arizona

humor Adagio 2017-12-29

The two rooms were small but adequate, and my landlady, Mrs. Quagmire, seemed nice and pleasant, having the scent of cinnamon bread. Leaning forward, naked in a kitchen chair, his belly fat hung down between his legs and he was having a difficult time attempting to put a cock ring on his penis. Then, came a knocking on my door from Mrs. Quagmire. Having to give 2percentcream a rain check (it seldom rains in Arizona), I ate them as I heard the Indian crank over. Once again, a knocking came at my door as the old broad said, "it's a parakeet, Taffy."  Behind his chair, he had his Harley parked in the kitchen, and Mrs. Quagmire was polishing his handle bars.

The Piece Treaty

humor LeanAngle 2017-12-28

“Stay put, I want to know what she told you,” Dave’s very intimidating presence froze Scott and Dave had his clothes on, a shotgun and a crazy look in his eyes. “Stick around and fuck her some more, you got a big dick, or you had one a few minutes ago,” Dave grinned, “Kinda looks like a toasted marshmallow now." “Please stop it, Dave,” Cyn pleaded, “I’m sorry I didn’t give you a heads up before I brought Scott home.” “Dave, if you will just leave us alone for the rest of the night I will bring Jill home and we’ll both suck you, fuck you and you can lick our pussies,” Cyn was really desperate to get Dave out of the room.