Erotic Humor stories
A large collection of weird and funny sex sex stories.
After some time she replied, " Sorry, i was busy with some college work. You don't need to apologize for that sms." I replied her back, " Do you like such kind of sms?" She said " ya, but up to a certain limit." I understood what she meant by that. To which she said not only me but everyone in college is mad after big melons. She said " you naughty boy "Than we both kissed for the 1st time. She said after watching it " oh, the tiger is ready to get released from the cage." She then removed my undies too. i needed to get it the day i started liking you.
“This is my old college friend SherryKay. SherryKay this is my shop manager Maggie.” Then, smiling, he grabs my hand pulls me from the booth. “Maggie I’m leaving the shop in your capable hands and we’re going to go upstairs to my place and get caught up. I stumble a bit as I’m ushered out the back door of the shop and through a doorway with stairs leading up to the second story. “Now naughty girls get their bare bottoms spanked so get your ass in the bedroom,” he orders pointing to a doorway. You are a filthy naughty girl,” he growls slamming his open palm upward, smacking both thigh and cheek.
Touching Bear’s hand while bending farther than necessary and changing the subject to more personal questions Cyn soon clued Bear that real estate was not going to be the topic. She usually gets a new outfit every time she finds a new love interest,” Dave seemed to be covering for Cyn’s tardy appearance, “She likes to have a small audience in case things progress too quickly or her partner runs out of steam before she arrives at her destination if, you know what I mean. Dave stood and sauntered off toward his conference room office as Cyn took Bear’s hand and led him down the hallway.
Sherry tells her that I need to remain there a bare minimum of fifteen minutes, prompting a laugh. Sandy laughs and comments that all naughty boys need kept in tow, also noticing that a few have added their name to the larger paddle. Sherry has replaced my pink thong with one in a floral print and asks me to model it before putting on my jeans, causing more laughs. "Also, if our Davey needs corner time during a show," Sherry adds, "please see to it. I then put my thong in the hamper and am walked to the corner totally naked by Sherry, causing much laughter and whistles. Sherry has a ready supply of lightweight paddles for each new Mommy, while some had me also sign ones they brought along and used on me.
We pick up the story of Dave and Cyndee (Cyn) and their sexual adventures in a new suburban housing development. Dave loves Cyn, likes sex, guns, country music, pickup trucks and redneck hobbies. One Sunday morning found Dave and Cyn drinking coffee and watching as their nosy neighbor Ms.Silvia Ferris was heading off to church in her new Chrysler. Silvia refuses to speak to Dave or Cyn, yet calls the cops to complain about them regularly. “You probably don’t want to explain what is going on here, but you damn well better.” The deputy levels a hard look at Dave, who is unfazed. Sure don’t seem like it was Silvia.” Dave grimaces as another howl of ecstasy can be heard from Silvia’s bedroom window.
The best opening line is saying hello. Make sure you are calm and composed but just do it before the person you've got your eye on walks out of the bar or passed you in the street, never to be seen again! Props are natural conversation starters. They encourage conversation and others will be compelled to start talking to you. Move closer to the person you want to meet. Your flirting partner will be drawn to you. Make eye contact, but please look your partner in the eye gently (no more than 2-4 seconds) and then glance away. Compliment your flirting partner. The best compliments have the element of surprise. When you receive a compliment the best response is merely to say Thank You! A smile lights up your face and draws people to you.
My wife, Justine, and I are a little ahead of Mark and Sarah in the family stakes. It didn’t matter how much Sarah and I denied it, and how many dates and diaries we checked, Mark was adamant, I had screwed his wife, and she had my child. I would like a samples from both of you of your blood, your tissue, and your semen,” the consultant said as looked at us over his steepled fingers. “Well, perhaps not your brother’s penis, but certainly his testis,” Old Steeple Fingers said, and instantly regretted it. “I know you have always wanted to get Sarah pregnant, looks like you managed it,” Justine giggled and went to sleep.
Saranya came to bathroom door and yelled at me, “What the fuck are you doing here still? Neetu pulled the towel still up and exposed my ass completely to the girls. Saranya was on the left and Neetu was on my right massaging me and helping to reduce pain. Neetu held my cock and started pressing it. My s****r made way for Pinku as she sat next to me on left and started licking my neck. Neetu started licking my chest and played with my nipples as my cock grew in her hand. Neetu started sucking my dick and Pinku started to lick and kiss my chest. I took Neetu to my room and fucked her.
But unlike Andrew, who would be perfectly content to spend the rest of his life with the only person he felt he could feel comfortable with - himself - Elizabeth very much wanted to find someone she could call her own. They finished eating their meals and as Andrew got up to head back to his lab, he paused for a moment to look at the girl who had been sitting at his table. Andrew got to the point where he actually held conversation with Elizabeth and she began looking forward to lunch with what she considered her beau. Andrew took a small step backwards and as their eyes locked onto one another, he began slowly, cautiously, to slip the straps of her dress off her shoulders one at a time.
First, I need to go to the office to report to Ted and check that he has deposited my pay and the interest for ten years in my account. She comes over, sits next to me, and starts to fondle my tits and pussy. Right now, all I want is your big cock up my cunt. Sitting at the table, I tell them that I am going to switch to male for the next little while. “Sam, I am sure you would like Carol, the woman we are considering. One of the reasons we chose her is that she looks a lot like you.” Johanna smiles and says, “Please Sam.” Ten years ago when I left, Bert had just set up his body shop.
“Happy to meet me, huh?” the stranger sighs into my ear, hand brushing against my thigh, “or you packing heat for the double tap just in case you don’t survive the Peter Pan dive?” “I’d be willing to go the extra mile if there are any… promiscuous scenes,” she whispers in my ear, hip pressing into the dick I’m trying like hell to keep from bulging out of my thin hospital gown. “I’ll bet that’s never stopped you from being naughty before though.” She pulls the back of my hand against her mouth so I can feel her soft lips curve into a wide smile. Likewise, her mouth is sealed over the crown of my deflating erection, sucking down every last drop of my seed like it’s the last source of liquid on the planet.
I was sitting in the passenger seat with my legs and arms crossed, pretending to ignore him as I looked out the window, watching the traffic slowly move by. “Yes, I do but more importantly right now, I want you naked so stop trying to change the subject and take off the dress, beautiful," he teased as he winked at me. I saw him quickly look out the windshield to check traffic before turning towards me, leaning in to pull the material down and take hold of my right breast in his big hand. My lips parted and covered the head of his stiff member and once I enveloped the tip, I immediately felt his fist grip onto my hair and heard him let out a low moan.
What followed were torturous seven days of stolen glances, missed chances, discreet groping, inhumane teasing, embarrassing hard ons, awkward wet spots and a whole lot of blue balls. “Good thing I missed the breakfast today,” he said hurrying across the room as he pulled his pants down to protect his boner from breaking in half. “Isn’t Dr. Godzilla’s limp dick enough for you, sweetie that you’re looking for this one too?” she said to Emma, pointing at him. I need you.I want your body under mine, your tits to grab, your neck to bite, your ass to spank and your lips to kiss. He pushed a hand down his pants, grabbed his cock and started stroking.
He leaned forward and repeated the statement, even cockier this time, “I said, nothing makes you look good.” “Damn it, Ray. You could have said, ‘You look best with nothing on’ or maybe, ‘You’d look better if you took it off.’ But you actually used ‘Nothing makes you look good’.” I closed my eyes, surrendering to the feeling as Ray gently lay on top and began kissing me, softly at first and then with more urgency as his tongue explored my mouth. “How could you possibly think a can of cold whipped cream squirted inside me would be a good idea?” Ray sat on the edge of the bed wiping whipped cream off his face and holding the champagne bottle.
Malathy came rushing, looking fresh from bathing, smiling she asked me wait a minute when she will go and ask Hema to get ready for the tuition. Hema's father came in full suit and wishing me good morning went to the dining room for breakfast. She too ate her breakfast and washing her hands came to me and asked me to follow her into the bed room. When I rang the bell Malathi came and opened the door and asked me to up stairs directly since she had called and awakened Hema. Finally I asked for a transfer to a rural branch and I told Malathy and Hema that I am going away to a far off rural branch in Andhra.
Like most schools, there was a rumor going around, that Cilla Derk had fucked our high school basketball team a couple months past. He moved in front of me and stood on the commode sink. His dick was now level with my face and it wasn't a far reach for my lips to kiss his little joust of a cock. "Lets all gather in a circle and unite this couple in matrimony," Saying with a straight face, the guru performed a civil ceremony on Cilla and I. Fucking her ass with my snout she shouted, "hallelujah." Then Barkley (Adonis) moved close to me and started sucking my cock. It may sound a difficult feat, but she was ass fucking Cilla with a nipple.
“All right. Knock yourself out.” He vanished, and outside of the pentacle, the figure I’d indicated appeared lying naked on my pallet. She looked exactly like me, only with bigger hips and breasts, and with longer hair, and no pimples. She didn’t strike me as particularly lovely, but I wasn’t about to turn down an opportunity to make the beast with two backs. And she had a sort of dopey expression, like I have after I squirt my juice. My hips swelled, and I felt the hair on my head getting longer and heavier. My pizzle got almost completely sucked inside my loins, though the acorn at the tip and the sack below stayed mostly outside. “For everything you did, you’ve got to pay the price,” he said and vanished again.
My boyfriend, Sam and I love to have sex and we are always looking for new adventures. We decided to stop off at Walmart and I told Sam to “hang on”, that’d dash in grab some replacement panty hose and make a quick change in the car. I dashed into the Walmart, grabbed some replacement panty hose, dashed through the self-checkout and back out to the truck. He was cool and didn’t say anything and neither did Sam. As he turned and walked away, after our brief introduction, I grabbed Sam’s arm and asked him if he knew who the guy was. “Well,” he replied, “If you ever want to have a drink, just look me up." “In fact, I’m fine for a drink right now,” I said.
I texted Jose, my work companion and asked him if he wanted to come to Hanks. I slipped on to the bar stood next to Michelle and whispered to her that “Jose from work is here.” I introduced Jose and he gave her the traditional cheek peck that all Mexicans give each other as a traditional greeting. The bar table had a foot rest, so Michelle stepped up on the foot rest, giving both Jose and myself unfettered access to her pussy. Jose slipped his fingers into Michelle's pussy as she looked back at me, over her shoulder. Finally, Jose stepped back, leaving Michelle clinging to the sides of the table, her knuckles white and her head still hanging down.
Next to laying my penis on top of the liverwurst, topped by the bread and jacking off with it, there ain't nothing better then with wax paper. It had been several weeks ago, while visiting a local nursery, I happen to run into Dionaea (Dione) Muscipula, my now new girl friend. Although looking for blue fescue seeds for the home terrace I was immediately smitten by her. Hurley (my best friend) was a medical school drop out in 1947 and now was Assistant Manager of Last Resort Car wash and was always featured as geriatric chamois and passenger side of the month employee. I thought it time for Hurley to look at her, seeing as he did have some medical schooling.
As soon as my breasts are released from the bra, Whitney begins rubbing them both. Whitney slowly starts to flick my nipples with her tongue, alternating between the right and left one. Whitney stops for a second and asks "Doesn't Danny lick your nipples?" I dip my head down and slowly start to lick circles around the pink little buds. I can feel my pussy getting wet as I'm sucking on her little peaks. I slowly start to creep my hand down Whitney's navel and slide under her waistband. Whitney licks my pussy lips, slowly tasting my sweet little virgin pussy. Whitney slurps up all my sweet juices, slowly letting up on the assault on my pussy.
I must say the s****rs were really very eager participants, both Vasudha and Priyamvada sucked their s****rs tits and I too pressed my thumb at Alpana’s clit, which in seconds raised her sexual appetite and her juices again began flowing from and she looked stop but to push the full cock up her pussy, she was so hot that she didn’t mind the pain and wanted to get rid of her cherry. It was now Priyamvada’s turn whose cunt was he most difficult to enter and once I finished the five strokes, she asked for another five which Vasudha said give her ten, ten turned to twenty, maybe even this little girl also wanted a hard fuck so in and out, up and down, harder faster deeper rode my cock in her pussy but pay more attention to her.
They were all doing a great job of preparing a gourmet meal, but I was Gordon Ramsay, and this was Kitchen Nightmares , so I just pretended they were incompetent, because it was more fun that way. So from that point on all of the tasting was done by the girls, off of the end of my erect cock. The weirdest bit of the dream was when whipped cream started shooting out of the end of my cock and the girls took turns to use me to decorate cakes. Just as I was laying back feeling tongues lapping at my face and nipples and fingers and balls and cock and toes and....
"Paige, you're bonkers!" interrupted Azalea, "You're just imagining things now, I think it's all getting too much for you, just because I've got a boyfriend and Mrs J's found thingies in the loo." The girl opened the door and Azalea and Jared could see a large, rough-looking man in profile. "Well," said Azalea, "I think he likes to have a thermos with him so he can have a nice cup of tea, perhaps sometimes he nods off and spills it or something, how should I know, anyway, what does it matter?" She was cross with Leah now. Azalea and Paige giggled, while meanwhile Tony roughly turned Mrs Jameson round and bent her forward over the cistern.