Erotic Humor stories
A large collection of weird and funny sex sex stories.
"Chris!" With that exuberant syllable I drop the packages just inside the front door and start to rush toward my adorable boyfriend who isn't supposed to be here until tomorrow, but something in his face freeze-frames me like Roadrunner over its ersatz Latin caption. But when in deep anything, keep your mouth shut, so I say not a word and let him spin me in an exaggerated twirl before he pulls me assertively into his arms. "I knew this guy who sent the same set of dirty instructions to all his friends and it pissed me off and I sassed him in schoolgirl character and two stories came out of it." I need to shut up, and fast.
Single comedian Shazia Mirza, 34, said that some of her friends revealed that during sex they are mentally writing a to-do list, remembering clothes they have to wash, what they've got to buy at Tesco's or those shoes they love in Selfridges. "A friend of mine, who really loves her husband, told me that during sex she can't help thinking about all the men she secretly really desires, like Jeremy Beadle and Jeremy Paxman," the Sun quoted her as saying. "I've been married twice and had many lovers and to be honest, with past lovers I've been so bored in bed, I've taken to compiling mental grocery lists and calculating exactly how many shoes are in the wardrobe (82 pairs)," said author Kathy Lette, 51.
According to the research, adults who make love first thing in the morning apparently not only feel more upbeat for the rest of the day, but also benefit from a stronger immune system. "Having sex in the morning releases the feel-good chemical oxytocin, which makes couples feel loving and bonded all day long," the Daily Mail quoted Dr Debby Herbenick, an American research scientist and sex advice columnist, as saying. Dr Herbenick, author of the book Because It Feels Good, added: "It makes you stronger and more beautiful too: Morning sex can strengthen your immune system for the day by enhancing your levels of IgA, an antibody that protects against infection.
God knows I'm going to need that; I planned on getting shit-faced drunk and watching whatever dodgy movie came on my nifty little T.V. screen. I couldn't help but stare as several fit women walked past my isle seat, with their hips swaying in just the best way. Her large, white sweater was pulled down past her ass, covering her tiny shorts, but only just. "I said, can I have the window seat?" she asked, apparently again, and looking slightly more irritated than before. Her hand carefully pulled my cock out of my shorts, between our two bodies. I gestured back to him, and looked over my shoulder to the girl sitting back in her seat, with the Flight Attendant in tow.
In Hortense I saw a clue of what I wanted to do, wearing my thinking hat askew, helping Zelda cap her prized red 'mentos with okra. Her pickle eggs didn't do so well at the county fair, seeing as Gerdie our laying hen refused to get laid...Zelda used golf balls and broke three judges teeth. That night jacking off with calf's liver rolled up in a comic book...waking up with assorted colors of ink covering up my skunk tattoo...but I could pull picture hangers from the wall with my hammer. Zelda with an ambidextrous clit can hit with both sides of her clitoris, but is a southpaw when catching in the mitt with her 'mento and tossing the pecan back.
Debra looked at the note, cocked her head to one side, sighed and raised an eyebrow. John turned to look at the door, he made eye contact with Debra. Debra watched Janet slowly wank the huge cock in front of her. “You bet it’s fucking real,” said John looking behind him at Debra. She finally let John’s cock slip from her mouth as she sat back and looked at Debra. “Fuck off, go away, you’re so fucking crude sometimes,” replied Debra as she lunged for the door handle, pulled it open and escaped through it; closing it behind her and holding it closed to make sure Janet could not follow.
If you really know what girls always notice on a date, there’s a good chance you’ll be able to impress that pretty lass within the first few minutes. And you know what they say, first impressions are everything when you’re trying to have a great date! Unlike men, who don’t notice a great deal too much, women are a lot sharper on a date. Brands are one thing, but women definitely notice the way you dress. A clean shirt or a suit is the best thing to wear when you’re out at a great date restaurant in the middle of paradise. What girls always notice on a date #6 Ogling other women
It never fails on our morning runs that Alex is done and sitting or lying on the grass with his shirt off relaxing by the time Cassie and I finish. Cassie grabbed the shower curtain and pulled it open to reveal Alex standing there with a very hard cock in his hand. Alex was squeezing his cock as tightly as he could but Cassie pushed him toward the back of the shower and he started to lose his balance. I was just getting out of the shower,” Alex said as he started to laugh. I stuck my head out of the shower to see Cassie and Alex both standing there with their hands over their mouths and tears running down their faces laughing.
Goldie looked up into the man’s bleary, half opened eyes as she wrapped her lips around the head and sucked him into her vacuum-like mouth. Goldie hopped onto the surprisingly soft bed and placed her dripping pussy above the woman’s face (her horniness once again pushing out the possibility that the woman may not WANT to have sex) and then she herself started to get to work on the giant’s pussy. And so, tentatively, in a way that was oddly fragile for such a large bear of a woman, she gave a few weak licks to the pussy, gently caressing the clit with her tongue and mildly kissing Goldie's honeypot.
If you want a repeat performance from your lady friend, it might be a good idea to tap into your sensitive side and step your cuddle game up. “Females placed an overall great importance than did males on all five items measured: intimate talking, kissing, cuddling and caressing, professing their love for their partner and talking about the relationship after sex. In contrast, men placed more importance on gaining extrinsic rewards after sex.” And these extrinsic rewards include cigarettes, booze, etc. So what is to be gained from this study (that surveyed 170 adults)? Women are sappy and sensitive; men not so much.
Reginald Woodrow Buttress felt the deep throb before he opened his eyes. Wrapping his long fingers around his pulsing, rock hard member, Reginald began his typical stroke, slow and light with a little twist at the top. Tom started to ask what he would like to eat and the strange man pushed him hard against the wall, reducing him to a pile of limbs and apron on the floor. When he eventually opened his eyes, he found an old man standing over him, a disgusted gaze on the stiffy that tented Reginald’s pants. Come here, son.” The man extended a yellow hand to help him up but Reginald jerked away from it, like it was a snake. The woman urged Reginald forward, continuing through the waiting room to another hallway, and finally to an exam room.
Ben drove the cart around to the next tee box and turned to Angie. “I’ll hit from here, then move up to the ladies tees.” He didn’t really look or touch … Just got out of the cart, pulled his club and hit a drive down the fairway. Ben was also keenly aware that his cock felt like a piece of steel and he could feel all of his senses moving between his legs. About ready to reach his own orgasm, Ben grabbed her ass cheeks firmly and growled in her ear, “Don’t you even think about quitting on me now, Angie.” He quickly moved her off of his chest, got out of the cart and leaned her over the seat cushion.
Once upon a day, there lived a libidinous retired seafaring salt named, Mr. Peter Johnson. The giggly, jiggly teens said that Peter packed the perfect pecker. The birthday girl would begin celebrating their day by first wrapping her raspberry lip-glossed mouth around Peter’s prized party piñata, releasing its inner, moist treat. Yes, she had witnessed Peter’s peter in hand. “Good thing you make ol’ Bessie wear a cow bell, huh, Mr. Johnson,” she observed as she worked at hardening and elongating his now, laggard al dente noodle. “I trained the dog to ring a bell if she leaves the bedroom. With Rex hot on his heels, Mr. Peter Johnson escorted the titillating teen out the back entrance, watching the sway of her tiny ass as it carried away his spent spunk.
Do you want me to call 911 for you?” Thinking quickly, she asked, “Do I need to dial the area code for New York before I call 911?” “Paul, I don’t think it’s very healthy for you to lie about who you are and where you’re from,” Lana lectured, not realizing the irony of her own words. “I’m going to ask the questions, Lana, and I’ll tell you what you need to know,” William said firmly. “Well, I’m a 34D cup, but I’m not sure what you want to know about my nipples and areolas?” Lana asked, a bit confused and uncertain how she lost control of the call so quickly. Sensing the hesitation in her voice, William said, “Oh, I think you’ll like this game, Lana.
What followed were torturous seven days of stolen glances, missed chances, discreet groping, inhumane teasing, embarrassing hard ons, awkward wet spots and a whole lot of blue balls. “Good thing I missed the breakfast today,” he said hurrying across the room as he pulled his pants down to protect his boner from breaking in half. “Isn’t Dr. Godzilla’s limp dick enough for you, sweetie that you’re looking for this one too?” she said to Emma, pointing at him. I need you.I want your body under mine, your tits to grab, your neck to bite, your ass to spank and your lips to kiss. He pushed a hand down his pants, grabbed his cock and started stroking.
Like most schools, there was a rumor going around, that Cilla Derk had fucked our high school basketball team a couple months past. He moved in front of me and stood on the commode sink. His dick was now level with my face and it wasn't a far reach for my lips to kiss his little joust of a cock. "Lets all gather in a circle and unite this couple in matrimony," Saying with a straight face, the guru performed a civil ceremony on Cilla and I. Fucking her ass with my snout she shouted, "hallelujah." Then Barkley (Adonis) moved close to me and started sucking my cock. It may sound a difficult feat, but she was ass fucking Cilla with a nipple.
On the same day I text her a gif of something she truly enjoys (the tip of a penis rubbing back and forth on a clit.) She is on a chair in the closet looking for something and finds the forgotten Willies. Mix up the "algae," with one and three quarter cups of ninety-eight degree water, fill the tube with the "algae" goo, within ninety seconds place ones hardened dick into the tube forcing large (or small) amounts of the molding compound out onto the floor and maintain ones heightened state of arousal for two minutes. This makes me think of my grandmother because she loved snow globes and needless to say, thoughts of gram-gram do a number on my penis and he begins to shrink.
From a woman’s perspective, here are 5 tips which can help you guys make your relationship a better experience for your girl and yourself as well. As the saying goes, “Sometimes love just ain’t enough,” hence, we bring you certain tips that might help you fill the void that has been growing with every passing day. Each promise that you break leads to disappointment, which shouldn’t have any room in a relationship. Paying attention to small details and remembering some of them would make her feel wanted and also show her that you are equally interested in even the tiniest details of her life. Many of you may think that dates are not really that important and that it shouldn’t make any difference in the kind of relationship that you share.
We drove out to the interstate and had a real nice dinner at the Holiday Inn. The two of us reconnected right away just like the last ten years never happened. When we got back to her place, I sat down and relaxed on Dawn's big leather sofa while she excused herself to go change into somethin' more comfortable. You see, Dawn's pants were made outta some kind of soft denim that just clung to her little body like spandex. That fucking Homer called me up out of the blue and asked me out to dinner. Since it was still early when we got back to my house, I asked Homer to come in for a glass of wine.
She turned to me and said, 'Look, I think I can trust you, but I need someone 'anonymous' to talk 'at', and you fit the bill. Would you mind if I discussed something really personal?' She put down her wine, leaned forward, and kissed me, opening her lips to taste me, and I felt her tongue flicker over mine. I opened her blouse and felt her hard nipples press to me as she kissed me again, She undid my belt and pushed my trousers and boxers down, then slipped her jeans and panties off. I figured the 'moment' had passed and started to talk about dinner, but she said, 'No way buster, we aren't finished, this is a two way deal' and pushed me back on the bed.
He had always been able to satisfy his European girlfriend, Yora, when she wanted oral sex from him, but recently she attended a face sitting class with a friend and now seemed obsessed with it. “Your girlfriend likes oral sex from you but your tongue cannot last as long as she needs for complete satisfaction, am I right?” “You mean a pill can make my tongue hard for a long time?” he asked. Riley recalled the receptionist who signed him in, sitting behind the desk and flashing her legs by crossing them several times as he filled out the forms. She entertained herself on his face for almost thirty minutes and Riley was pleased that it was not uncomfortable to service her because she did all the work, attaining orgasm simply by using his stiff tongue.
“Stay put, I want to know what she told you,” Dave’s very intimidating presence froze Scott and Dave had his clothes on, a shotgun and a crazy look in his eyes. “Stick around and fuck her some more, you got a big dick, or you had one a few minutes ago,” Dave grinned, “Kinda looks like a toasted marshmallow now." “Please stop it, Dave,” Cyn pleaded, “I’m sorry I didn’t give you a heads up before I brought Scott home.” “Dave, if you will just leave us alone for the rest of the night I will bring Jill home and we’ll both suck you, fuck you and you can lick our pussies,” Cyn was really desperate to get Dave out of the room.
“All right. Knock yourself out.” He vanished, and outside of the pentacle, the figure I’d indicated appeared lying naked on my pallet. She looked exactly like me, only with bigger hips and breasts, and with longer hair, and no pimples. She didn’t strike me as particularly lovely, but I wasn’t about to turn down an opportunity to make the beast with two backs. And she had a sort of dopey expression, like I have after I squirt my juice. My hips swelled, and I felt the hair on my head getting longer and heavier. My pizzle got almost completely sucked inside my loins, though the acorn at the tip and the sack below stayed mostly outside. “For everything you did, you’ve got to pay the price,” he said and vanished again.
The pillow talk of new millennium couples in the 2010 INDIA TODAY-AC Nielsen-ORG MARG sex survey tells an unprecedented story of women's arou*al being thwarted and of romance gone sour. Between 2003, when INDIA TODAY-AC Nielsen-ORG MARG sex survey first focused on "What Women Want" and now, the percentage of women not interested in "undressing" their partners as a preferred mode of for*play has petered down from 16 per cent to 8 per cent. Courtships in arranged marriages these days find city girls asking some tough questions to their would-bes, as reported by a 2009 partner preference study by Bharat Matrimony: from "how close do you want to live to your parents?" to "do you expect me to stop working once we have c***dren?" And, of course, the inevitable: "What's your idea of spending alone time?" "Compatibility is emerging as the primary evaluation criteria," says Murugavel Janakiraman, CEO, Bharat Matrimony.