Erotic Humor stories
A large collection of weird and funny sex sex stories.
In the mean time, I started kissing her but this time in her horizontal lips with my hands pressing her boobs every time she strokes my cock and every time she licks my tongue. She came near and asked me, "want me to do one more time"...I said "yes"...but we were running out of time..so she told "let us get dressed first and we will end the journey the same way we started it", I understood what she meant, she gave a blow job on the way here and now she wants to do the same while going again. I stopped my car in a lonely place, 2 minutes from her house, told her I am about to cum, she looked at me and then started her job again.
He was looking for night crawlers and I told him my girlfriend crawled with the best, when swinging on a pole and licking toe jam. "Ask her, if the feet have toe jam, Ezekiel?" With each sliding stroke of her hand, the jack raised me until I touched the inner roof panel. "It’s intermission, Ezekiel, use the hand sanitizer. All us vampires know that we’re supposed to wash our hands and fang before and after toe jam. The mouse on my shoulder was wearing a parka and earmuffs as I asked her what she wanted from the concession stand. When I return to the empty car, a small bat was hanging on the speaker pole, wearing a wimple and singing, "Shall we gather at the river, where bright angel feet have trod..."
He had tried to join his older brother's crew, but Roberto didn’t have time for Scrotum making a hurtful joke about losing his balls and shooting his captain. Three months ago he had decided to up his game and spent his entire allowance on a second-hand sex-bot called “Rita Madeira Cake.” He had installed the software on the computer so it would talk dirty to him while he played with his, “New toy.” Unfortunately, he didn’t create a separate hard drive causing the sex-bot’s programming to mix with the ship's computer functions and combining with the A.I. Now it not only spoke to him in a sexy lady's voice all the time but would make sexual innuendos and favours at the most inappropriate times.
No two bras fit alike, even if they're the same style. Every bra manufacturer makes a slightly different product, so a Warner's demi cup is going to fit differently from a Le Mystere demi cup. With wireless or minimizer bras, that may not be possible; but with an underwire, you want it nice and snug against your chest. If they're falling off your shoulders, try a bra with the straps positioned closer together, or check out a racerback style. If it's truly a great-fitting bra, it should smooth, lift and round out your shape, and it should do it without causing pain. Yes, you can have a bra altered so it fits perfectly.
Obesity, diabetes, high bl**d pressure, thyroid dysfunction, adrenal exhaustion, poor nutrition, prescription medications, hormonal birth control, too much stress and too little sl**p. Factors that determine a healthy sex drive Sex hormones – For women both estrogen and testosterone at healthy levels are very vital in maintaining libido as well as fertility. Other hormones – Prolactin decreases libido in both sexes. Here are some simple practices to maintain a healthy sex drive. If you have remained strong and healthy without any preset notions about how age affects sexual health, chances are your sex drive will remain at respectable levels with age too.
I knew Karen would never have anything to do with a guy like me unless she got to know me first. But I could be a perfect gentleman and a real sweetheart, especially when it came to succulent lips and big boobs and a hot ass like Karen's. If the way to Karen's heart, and other parts of her anatomy, was through taking her nerdy little sister to church, well, Hallelujah! Maybe because she was always dressed like a little old maid. "I know you like Karen," she told me, hitting the peppermint again. "I suck cock," she whispered in my ear, kissed me a little harder, then whispered in my other ear, "for the right guy, I might cornhole."
My boyfriend, Sam and I love to have sex and we are always looking for new adventures. We decided to stop off at Walmart and I told Sam to “hang on”, that’d dash in grab some replacement panty hose and make a quick change in the car. I dashed into the Walmart, grabbed some replacement panty hose, dashed through the self-checkout and back out to the truck. He was cool and didn’t say anything and neither did Sam. As he turned and walked away, after our brief introduction, I grabbed Sam’s arm and asked him if he knew who the guy was. “Well,” he replied, “If you ever want to have a drink, just look me up." “In fact, I’m fine for a drink right now,” I said.
It never fails on our morning runs that Alex is done and sitting or lying on the grass with his shirt off relaxing by the time Cassie and I finish. Cassie grabbed the shower curtain and pulled it open to reveal Alex standing there with a very hard cock in his hand. Alex was squeezing his cock as tightly as he could but Cassie pushed him toward the back of the shower and he started to lose his balance. I was just getting out of the shower,” Alex said as he started to laugh. I stuck my head out of the shower to see Cassie and Alex both standing there with their hands over their mouths and tears running down their faces laughing.
There are instances wherein some guys thought that in order to attract women, they must be good looking, smells really good, dress really good, and projects a goody-two-shoes image. What these guys do not know is that, in reality, women are more attracted to men who project "bad-boy" image rather than those who are nice. No wonder why most women would rather date a man who has good personality even if the guy is not good looking or he does not have a car. However, it these do not necessarily mean that these things are everything that a man needs in order to be attractive to women. The truth is that in order to attract women, men must, generally, have nice attitude and personality.
"Chris!" With that exuberant syllable I drop the packages just inside the front door and start to rush toward my adorable boyfriend who isn't supposed to be here until tomorrow, but something in his face freeze-frames me like Roadrunner over its ersatz Latin caption. But when in deep anything, keep your mouth shut, so I say not a word and let him spin me in an exaggerated twirl before he pulls me assertively into his arms. "I knew this guy who sent the same set of dirty instructions to all his friends and it pissed me off and I sassed him in schoolgirl character and two stories came out of it." I need to shut up, and fast.
Saranya came to bathroom door and yelled at me, “What the fuck are you doing here still? Neetu pulled the towel still up and exposed my ass completely to the girls. Saranya was on the left and Neetu was on my right massaging me and helping to reduce pain. Neetu held my cock and started pressing it. My s****r made way for Pinku as she sat next to me on left and started licking my neck. Neetu started licking my chest and played with my nipples as my cock grew in her hand. Neetu started sucking my dick and Pinku started to lick and kiss my chest. I took Neetu to my room and fucked her.
As a hundred yards off the beach, raising a small sail, a portmanteau caught the wind. My penis lay shriveled across a thigh of her rubber chicken as her crotch dumplings began to rise. In the middle of the room a dark brume hung over a portmanteau that sat on small caster wheels. As the tremors slowly massage the flooring, the portmanteau started to scooch toward the door that came open with the tremblings. The harlots were scampering in undress and holding their noses as they past Ezekiel's now ajar door. At that moment the door was smashed open by a flying apparatus, resembling a portmanteau, with an old geezer astride. "Fuck her like a dog, Ezekiel."
“Stay put, I want to know what she told you,” Dave’s very intimidating presence froze Scott and Dave had his clothes on, a shotgun and a crazy look in his eyes. “Stick around and fuck her some more, you got a big dick, or you had one a few minutes ago,” Dave grinned, “Kinda looks like a toasted marshmallow now." “Please stop it, Dave,” Cyn pleaded, “I’m sorry I didn’t give you a heads up before I brought Scott home.” “Dave, if you will just leave us alone for the rest of the night I will bring Jill home and we’ll both suck you, fuck you and you can lick our pussies,” Cyn was really desperate to get Dave out of the room.
She was still wearing the gorgeous camisole when he began massaging her shoulders, but soon sat forward a few inches and lifted her arms in a silent signal that it was time for the garment to come off, and Sam happily removed both it and his tee shirt. He could tell she was getting close to orgasm, and was grateful because he also knew he couldn’t last much longer; the taunting her fingers were performing on him, coupled with the fantasy that had enabled him to while away the time during the slow drive home, had him primed to shoot his load like a horny 16-year-old, but he dutifully held out for her signal.
“You really slipped a hell of a lot of rum in Kara’s nog,” Allyson whispered, leaning in close to Tru on the sofa. The two of them, along with Fatema and Peri who were seated on the rug, watched as Kara stumbled around the room, semi-delirious. Fatema flashed a scolding frown toward Tru. She said to Kara, “Dinner was amazing! Allyson was about to set aside her present when Kara said, “You have to wear it, Al.” Fatema and Peri gawked and giggled as Tru and Allyson both grabbed hold of the giant dildo and spread their lips around it like two ends of a jumbo dog. Ten minutes later, Kara slumped in her chair, oven mitts over her face and the offending thick, black dildo still in her hand.
But it's essential you stay awake for long enough to make her feel loved. You may have to fight the urge to sl**p, but remember now it's time for her to unload all over you. Be aware that he will be exhausted - after all you gave him more love than he could cope with. And certainly don't expand into more mundane issues, like household chores, work gossip or whatever was on your mind while you were expressing your love. If you've managed to avoid upsetting each other so far, don't ruin everything by marking your partner's performance on a range of factors such as skill, effort, creativity and attendance.
However, this new study found that a woman who is involved with a friend is 44 % more likely to stay committed and as for the men, the likelihood increases by 25%. "To have a meaningful relationship out of a one-night stand is absolutely wishful thinking and many people are in denial," says Sanjana, a graduate and regular party-goer, "A one-night stand can be dangerous as it increases the chances of contracting sexually transmitted diseases — not the best thing to happen, especially when one is merely looking for fun." Rhea, a visual artist, who believes in being sexually experimental, says, "Having sex with random men gives one a liberated feel initially. Psychologist Sudha says, "Couples who become sexually involved with friends or acquaintances and are open to serious relationships could end up just as happy as those who date and wait."
In Hortense I saw a clue of what I wanted to do, wearing my thinking hat askew, helping Zelda cap her prized red 'mentos with okra. Her pickle eggs didn't do so well at the county fair, seeing as Gerdie our laying hen refused to get laid...Zelda used golf balls and broke three judges teeth. That night jacking off with calf's liver rolled up in a comic book...waking up with assorted colors of ink covering up my skunk tattoo...but I could pull picture hangers from the wall with my hammer. Zelda with an ambidextrous clit can hit with both sides of her clitoris, but is a southpaw when catching in the mitt with her 'mento and tossing the pecan back.
CaraRose says to Reggie2: "Oh Reggie, the chat room flowers are so beautiful." CaraRose says to Reggie2: "Is it about your two jobs of astronaut and Wall Street broker?" CaraRose says to Reggie2:"Please say its not the chat room clap." "Oh Hurley, I think you may be sued for chat room malpractice. Reggie2 says to CarrRose: "I have been hanging out in another chat room." CaraRose says to Reggie2: "I think I am pregnant with your cyber child. Reggie2 says to CaraRose: "It cannot be mine, I had a chat room vasectomy and on safari." CaraRose says Reggie2: "I may also have chat rooms worms." CaraRose says to Reggie2: "Are the chat squirrels chasing you for your nut?"
She said wow and asked to write a poetry about her in hindi. Whenever my mom prepares any dish item I used to give her to taste and one day she invited me to her home casually. And said you should come to my home on pongal festival. I am waiting for the pongal eagerly why she invited again.Thinking in my mind all these days. While eating, I asked about her k**s & husband.She said, k**s went for grandma home and hubby went for a project work(out of station). It was when she pulled my hair after bite on her nipples that I saw her face & imagined her those silky lips would feel on my cock.
As soon as my breasts are released from the bra, Whitney begins rubbing them both. Whitney slowly starts to flick my nipples with her tongue, alternating between the right and left one. Whitney stops for a second and asks "Doesn't Danny lick your nipples?" I dip my head down and slowly start to lick circles around the pink little buds. I can feel my pussy getting wet as I'm sucking on her little peaks. I slowly start to creep my hand down Whitney's navel and slide under her waistband. Whitney licks my pussy lips, slowly tasting my sweet little virgin pussy. Whitney slurps up all my sweet juices, slowly letting up on the assault on my pussy.
I vampire, (Ezekiel) a living dead body. Often my conscience, a little church mouse, telling me, "I'm fucked up." Only to let me play in her tureen and her little pink (cunt) slipper. Her sphincter cleaving me, like a winking eye, blinded by light. Wanting to suck bacon (blood) before the dawn came up. Recently departing Idaho, after a run in with a potato hugging bitch. Her neon tattoos and the vascular atlas of her flesh swooning me a nine o'clock entry, as my one tooth scented her blood. Often, Dr. Neu Monia, doctor to the undead, would provide tomato aspic high energy bars to hold me over. She released a stream of urine with the heat of a double broiler. My cock plowing her pink slipper, as I sucked her blood.
I sighed and glanced at Emma before looking back at Richard. “She said...” I hesitated and leant in a little closer to Richard so that I could whipser, “...that she would love to suck my pussy while you fuck me.” “Melissa - alla I ddim aros yn hwy - gadewch I ni adael bwyd hwn a mynd,” with that Emma dropped the goods onto the nearest shelf and started to leave. “Look, Richard, you need to come with us – she says she’s desperate and that you look like you could do with a fuck. I turned around to face Emma and sank down on Richard’s cock. By the time I started fucking him, Emma was true to her word.
If you really want to get in the right mood, kiss your partner’s face. If you don’t know how to pleasure a woman orally, ask and allow her hands to guide you. At this point, your partner should be completely relaxed and excited, and then, we’re talking long nights of passion. When you make love to a woman you love, she feels more loved and adored if you stay awake to cuddle and talk to her after the whole episode. This makes your partner feel more wanted and desired. Maintain eye contact all the time, go the extra mile for tender and slow lovemaking. Eye contact during oral s** makes the coupling intimate and exciting.