I’ve been in the BDSM lifestyle for many years, and I started my journey as a sub by happenstance as I call it since I came across a BDSM website while doing research for school. My first reaction was like a lot of people, which was one of total disgust, but the more I read the more I saw that the lifestyle isn’t all about spankings and degrading someone. That there is more under the surface since the dynamics of every relationship is different and the lifestyle isn’t just about bondage and discipline, Dominants and submissives or slaves, or sadism and masochism. Those are just the basics, but BDSM is a lot more defined than what most people think. People only know about the lifestyle by what the mass media has portrayed the people in it as. A sub that is weak and at the hand of an evil Dominant, which is not true since subs or slaves aren’t weak since it takes a strong person to give up control to another. Also not all Dominants are evil, twisted but that’s a whole different story.
I’m sorry I forgot to introduce myself, how rude of me. My name is Martha Spencer and I’m a university student studying psychology, so I can become a psychologist and help abused submissives and Doms alike in the lifestyle since most psychologists see people in the BDSM lifestyle as sexual deviants. I know you can find sexual deviants in all kinds of relationships, so it’s not just us kinky people. That way the people in the lifestyle will know that I understand where they are coming from because I am one of them. Right now I have a Master, who I’ve been seeing for a number of years. He has taught me a lot about myself and about being a sub. I have grown as a person mentally and emotionally and see the world differently than I used to. It’s amazing when a person can reach into your dark world and find the light switch and turn on the lights. I never thought that this would happen since it happens to everyone else.
Most people believe that my Master Ben Bitterton introduced me to this lifestyle, and that it’s his fault that I’m a lot more guarded. What happens behind my bedroom door stays away from closed minded people. I wish that I could say, “Sorry people, but He didn’t corrupt me.” If they only knew the truth, would they look at me differently. Anyways I’m getting off topic again.
I discovered BDSM four years ago and I started my journey in chat rooms, message boards and websites. I spent a lot of time in chat rooms observing how users interacted with each other since every chat room has different rules. When I started out, I was still learning how to embrace this new part of myself. I learnt a lot about how to behave as a sub online, and what Doms expected from their subs since D and s relationships are different. I discovered what kind of Doms didn’t fit with me since I didn’t like the ones who wanted total control over me, and took away what made me as an individual instead of embracing me as an individual. Those are the ones I told to keep looking since I wasn’t about to change for anyone unless it was my own doing I got used to being told that I needed to learn what being a sub was all about.
As my understanding on the BDSM lifestyle grew, my confidence as a sub grew and my understanding of what I wanted and needed expanded. When I met my current Master Ben, I have been through numerous online Doms and learnt from each one. I discovered what my limits were and what I wouldn’t do. As I transferred my knowledge from online into my life away from my computer, Ben helped train me as His sub as my experience expanded. I never thought I would find someone patient enough to help with my training since when I pushed against most Doms they would turn and run with their tails between their legs. I was about to give up on my BDSM journey since I couldn’t help but think I would never find someone strong enough for me. I knew I needed a person who wouldn’t back down from me. Ben was the first Dom that didn’t back down from me since He met me head on. From that day on I thought maybe my journey was over, but once again I jumped the gun.
I always figured that I was too stubborn for this lifestyle. I was thinking of leaving my sub life behind me, and that’s when Ben entered my private message box. In a way He’s my knight in shining armor since He kept me from giving up on becoming the sub I was meant to become. This is what our first conversation looked like:
“Hello, I’m sorry to intrude on your privacy, but I couldn’t help but say hello to a quiet local girl.”
I know how original.
“How are you tonight?”
“I’m fine and yourself?”
“I’m good thank you girl. I hope that I’m not interrupting anything.”
“No, you’re not since I was just reading what going on in the channel.”
“Anything or anyone catch your attention?”
“Not at the moment.”
“Is everything ok? You seem kinda down.”
“I’m fine thank you for your concern. I’m just wondering if tonight might be my last night here.”
“Can I ask why? Since I hope not because I just met you.”
“Things aren’t going well for me at the moment and I don’t mean to burden a stranger with my problems.”
“I’m sorry to hear that and I hope you reconsider your decision because I would like to know you.”
All I could think was, Yeah right.” Since I was tired of being jerked around by people online because it seemed more like a game to a lot of people. For the ones that are serious it is harder to trust the people they met online. I was quickly getting the attitude of I’ll believe it when I see it. I started building a wall around myself so that no one really got to know the real me. I know that there are jerks and players everywhere, but they seem to multiple online because they can hide their true colors easier.
As my first conversation with my Master came to an end, I couldn’t help but smile since it wasn’t like most conversations that led to cybersex. He actually seemed to care and interested in what I had to say. I knew that I had a tough decision to make and that was if I was willing to put my heart on the line again. A part of me wanted to take that risk, but the other part of me was screaming to run far away. I wasn’t ready to be told to my face that this lifestyle wasn’t for me. I wasn’t sure how I would handle that. No sub wants to hear how crappy they are at pleasing their Dom since it means that you failed at your job, and that’s never any good. The question I seriously had to ask myself was, “If I was ready to take the next step and be willing to become a sub not only online but offline as well?” I know that I’ve dreamt about it, but was I ready to make the dream a reality. Plus I needed to know if I made a decent sub or not. I was getting tired of hearing that I wasn’t good enough, but I also know that sometimes you need to take a leap of faith. The sooner I found out that BDSM wasn’t for me, the faster I could bury the submissive part of myself and move on. Even though I knew deep down that I didn’t want to since the romantic in me believed that I would find the perfect Dom for me.
As I got myself ready for bed that night, my head was spinning and I was still torn since I was running out of tape to hold my heart together. I knew that I had to weigh my options carefully since I didn’t want to jump feet first into something. I also didn’t want to miss out on this chance because I needed to prove to myself that I could be a good sub for the right Dom.
As I stared at the ceiling into the middle of the night, I was no closer to an answer. I was trying to listen to my heart, head and gut and each one was pulling me in a different direction. I decided to see if the answer would come to me in a dream. As I tried to relax I was glad that I didn’t need to give my answer to Him for a few days. I had more time to torture myself, and hope that I came up with the right answer.
As my alarm pulled me out of my slumber, I turned off my alarm and curled up wishing I had more hours to sleep, but I had a research project that had my name on it. As I slowly made my way out to the kitchen, and turned on the coffee pot and then headed off to have a shower.
When I got out of the shower, I poured myself a cup of coffee and pulled out my research paper. I knew that I wanted to do something that had to do with how society viewed people in the kinky community. I thought about interviewing people from different walks of life, and then interviewing people into BDSM. From the interviews write an essay around the results. I started writing out different questions and hoped that I can find enough people to answer my questions since people are extremely busy. This was something that I was interested in. I knew going in that a lot of society thought people in this lifestyle were sick because of the negativity surrounding BDSM.
Once my questions were written, I went and got dressed. I decided that I would go to school and interview some students and staff. Then I would go and interview people in different locations, and my last step would be to interview people who are involved in the BDSM lifestyle since I recently discovered a kink coffee group that meets every week. It was another way for me to meet people with the same interests offline. I knew it was time to come out of the shadows and learn the truth for myself. I decided that I was going to attend the next get together. I was excited and nervous at the same time.
I grabbed my notebook and pen and walked into my university campus knowing I was opening up a taboo world to a few closed minded people. As I conducted my research, I got mixed reactions depending on the age difference. It seemed that the younger people I asked my questions to were a little more open minded, but whereas the staff I asked were the closed minded ones and thought it was disgusting. I had a feeling that lot of closed minded people felt the same way about BDSM since the people involved were misunderstood.
I took a break and grabbed a cup of coffee. As I read over the answers to my questions, my friend Pat Armstrong that was in my psychology class joined me.
“Hi Pat, how are you?”
“Hello Martha, I’m good and how are you doing?”
“I’m good thanks.”
“Have you started your research paper?”
“I have, what about you?”
As I asked the question, I knew the answer was no, and I didn’t want a partner since my topic was no one’s business but my own.
“I haven’t started yet since I don’t know what to do it on.”
“Try something that interests you and see if you can make it relate to
psychology or find something that is taboo and discover how people feel about it.”
“Those are great ideas, thank you Martha. You are a genius.”
no comments yet on A Girl's Journey